Dad's ignorant parents and family... advice please?

My parents divorced when I was 2. My mother left because my fathers family was emotionally abusive to her. My dad is very close to his family. We all live in the same town. My mother remarried and my dads family hate her.


The problem is. They have mistreated me all my life. His sister is a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and she would stick her finger in my face and boss me around as a small girl. His brother would stick me in a closet when he would babysit all the kids while my dad was at work. I am not close to my cousins either. We've never been taught to be close and they have an attitude towards me b/c they've heard so many things about my mother.


My dad says he loves me and he has always stayed in my life, but I think it's only because he wants everyone in town to think he is a good father. My mother left him and its his pride. If he admits he and his family are screwed up then he admits my mother was right, and he would rather die because he and his family lives to make my mother out to be the one with the problem.


My father has never been there for me emotionally or financially. He has never stuck up for me. He is a musician and he's even dated strange women that he let mistreat me. Because of his sister and mother he is attracted to strange women. He is very weak, like, he tries to be too nice to everyone and please everyone, he acts like a woman really, not a man. Oh, and he still lives with his parents and he is 60. And when I go over there, my grandmother is civil but cold... she would like for my dad to have nothing to do with me. A if I am my mother? How ignorant to take those jealous feelings she had towards my mother onto me. Her granddaughter. She is strange woman.


My mother is an alcoholic so I really have had it tough all the way around. She is not there for me either. She's drunk all the time.





So, should I move away and start fresh? If your 'family' was never there for you then you don't owe them anything. Maybe they all did me a favor? And I really, really, really want my father out of my life. He's done much more for an adopted kid (yes, he met a a pregnant waitress at a club he was playing at and she did a great con job to get him to be the father of her kid... sucker.) then he ever did for me or my older brother. I resent that. I was in an abusive relationship once and he thought I deserved getting beaten up -- of course this was to benefit him so he could show everyone how awful my mother was and he wanted to hit her too when they were married, but he didn't cuz he's such a great guy. If I deserved getting hit then that shows my mother was the one in the wrong.


Yes, a therapist told me I have extremely selfish parents.


so, move away? Cut these ignorant people out of my life? I often get really depressed and I think it's because I am stuck in this miserable position. If I move away then I can finally be seen for who I really am inside and I think my depression will go away. I go months without talking to my mother, and my dad always tries to sabotage anything good in my life. I call him the voice of doom. Even my older brother has too many problems for me. He dates strippers and has no respect for women... When I was younger I tried to kill myself a few times with pills, but now I just want to move away. Where would I go? How do you start fresh?Dad's ignorant parents and family... advice please?
I admire your courage for thinking about moving away. It can be very difficult to go somewhere, even if you don't like what you are leaving behind.





I think I would continue couseling and perhaps meet with a holistic health person (maybe an herbalist) who can help with plant and food based support for your depression. Then I would take stock of what I -did- have... do you have close ties to friends? A love for a particular place that comforts you? And decide how much these things mean to you, so that you can figure out how far away you want to move. It can be as simple as a few towns away, or as complicated as across the country.





I am a shy person, and I would probably move only a short distance away... maybe an hour or so. That way I could still feel reasonably secure in knowing something about the area, and connect to my friends easier when I was feeling overwhelmed. I don't know what kind of career you have, but it may be easier to adjust if you still have a career you can commute to while you're job hunting for something closer, especially in today's economy.





But that's just me... some people are much bolder than I and would leave the state in a heartbeat.Dad's ignorant parents and family... advice please?
One thing you always have to remember is that you are not them! I feel that every child is entitled to have two parents who love him/her with all of their heart and I'm really sorry that your parents cheated you out of that! Obviously your parents screwed up but that doesn't mean you have to let it screw up your life too.





I think a move might be just what you need. You don't have to move far, maybe a few towns over. Then get involved in the community and/or church make a good name for yourself. People like your dad's family want to see you fail because it makes them happy to see someone more miserable than they are. So prove them WRONG! Go out and do good things, get an education, marry a good man. You need to rid yourself of all their negativity. You don't necessarily have to cut them out forever, but I do think cutting them out for awhile may be just what you need.





You are SO much better than them. Don't let them bring you down to their level. The best way to get back at them is by being a success!





I know it's hard, I had a dysfunctional childhood too. But you are and adult now so YOU are in control of your life now, not them. You have the power to cut them all out of your life and not let them sabotage you ever again. I wholeheartedly believe it is better to have no family than a toxic family.





Feel free to e mail me if you would like...and good luck!
WoW...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You say they are selfish but let me point out to you...you say these people have never been there for you, yet you know all about their lives and have been around them. This is a hell of a lot more than most kids get. Some fathers don't want to have anything to do with their kids...some fathers DO and the MOTHER does everything to keep the kids from seeing the dad.





Where is your empathy toward people that have issues? You think you are perfect? You seem to expect them to be. I doubt you will find a perfect family...someone that doesn't have a freaky aunt or an alcoholic some one or a divorced someone, etc. Families are made up of imperfect people...





You need more therapy....learn to love you mom even if she has a sickness. Learn that you are responsible for what happens in your life, not your dad.
Yes, cut all ignorant people out of your life, get some self-esteem and define boundaries. My family is toxic and dysfunctional. I have dealings with them on MY terms when I do associate.


Forge a new identity for yourself and work hard to improve your life. Always be sure your actions and thoughts are in line with your goals and your best interests. I feel for you.....and the most important thing I can impress on you is not to let your family talk you out of living your dream, going to college, starting your own business....anything. You are a person worthy of happiness, respect and love. Only surround yourself with people who are positive, who treat you with respect and who you can trust.
I had a similar situation through foster care and adoption. At 17 I joined the military and haven't spoken to them since. They were never a family to me. I used them as an example of how not to be towards others. So far leaving them behind was the best thing that could have happened to me. This is all distant past for me, I am now a veteran.
Unfortunately, we are born into a family that is not healthy. So when we grow up we need to make our own family- wether it is friends or a loved one-BF. First you need to get away from them so you can heal and be strong with the help of a therapist. Being in abused relationship can make us a bit unstable..If you do not start a fresh life you will continue the cycle of abuse and when you have children it will repeat..Take your unpleasent experience and turn it into a positive one..


Get help and make sure you are completely different when you have children..Loving and responsible.


You have a choice- stay with your family or not..Just cause they are your family it does not mean you need to stay with them...and make your own family..I do not mean get married I mean be with people who are loving and caring- friends etc.


Donot get sucked in to their drama-You can easily with time save as much $$ and move away- Go on line and look for a job and relocate lose contact. When you are much stronger if you want you can come back and see them...Make you visits very brief and leave- that is if you want.


Remember you cannot change people but you can change how you respond to them. If you respond differently they will respond differently as well..


Go away and start a new life....Please see a therapist for help-they will give you insight in dealing with family issues.


Good luck. Remember not all families are like that..You have loving and caring families out there..So start making your own...It is a beautiful experience and feeling..So go start your life..