My mother will do things her way with her nieces and nephews etc. She too will spoil them do what she thinks is best.
I am having my first child this fall. This will be my mothers first grandbaby and my grandmothers 3rd Great grandchild.
I am worried about what my mother and grandmother will do. If they don't respect my cousins wishes what makes me think they will respect mine? Advice?I am terrified of having my child around my family! Advice?
move away. far far awayI am terrified of having my child around my family! Advice?
I understand why you are so worried. If what your mother and grandmother do with children of the family worries you too much, then keep your child away from them as much as possible. This will be tough battle as it appears that your mother and grandmother are used to getting their way and won't bow out gracefully. The best thing would be to try to get them to understand your feelings about this, but I suspect that may not be possible, at least quickly and easily. You are the child's mother and the ultimate decision on how to handle your situation is up to you. Do what you think is best for your child, whatever that may be.
These are the exact reasons my mother moved from New York to Texas. She didn't want her mother-in-law overriding her decisions on how to raise her kids and she did something about it. However, I didn't get to know my grandmother very well either. So think hard about your decision. You may let her know your strong feelings about this and the consequences of not following your desire on how you want to raise your child. How did she raise her family? Did they turn out to be great people? Consider that too.
You will have some hurt feelings but let them know from day one that you are the parent and you and only you will disciple and you and only you will be the parent. Explain your not saying they can't love and be around your child but you are the parent. If they get mad, let them! Your child is what is important even if you have to separate yourself from them. It will be a new life after the baby is born so prepare for it early. Your baby comes first.
THat's a tough one. I would stay away from them as much as possible. People try to do that to my kids all the time. I've taught my kids to tell people they are not allowed to have chocolate and candy while they are away from me (visiting their dad or whatever). I hate when people correct my kids. I just try to avoid the situation all together.
You should have your own place to stay. Of course you can visit them say once a week or twice a month whatever you want. In that way, they can't manipulate the child or do their way. It's your responsibility to discipline your children. Do what you think is best.
They wont and you will have to stand up to them, remember its your child and you are the adult, make sure that you have your husband support and that he will back you up all the way.
tell them that it is your child and if they can not obey your wishes that they can stay away and that you will not bring your child around them
Advice on what? If you don't want your child to stay over at the grandparent or the great grand, then don't.
Don't go to their houses often, and when you do, stay within arm's reach of your child.
Just don't leave the baby alone with them.
Congrats!
tell them if they dont than you will not be bringing the baby around much.
How do you feel about the way you were brought up?? I'm sure you got a spanking or two in your lifetime when you deserved them.. They taught you to do what's right, and are very much responsible for who you are today. How good of a job did they do? What do you think of the way you turned out? Were they really that wrong in how they raised you?? I think they might have the advantage of experience on their side here. Ever think they might know something you don't?? Maybe if you talked to them you could come to a compromise. I'm sure that when you were little, you were told not to do something. It made you mad, and you went ahead and did it anyway. Same applies here... if you tell them ';no'; they'll do it anyway. Ohh..... and by the way.... that's exactly what Grandmothers are for...... to spoil and love their grandchildren. If you talk to them, maybe you can get them to throttle back a little.... to a point that everyone can live with..... and avoid all the family arguments that will happen over it.
FORGET the idea that YOU can or will change either of them. Many grandparents feel it is their ';right'; to spoil grand kids for whatever reason, and that is exactly what they do. You can TRY and talk to your Mother about your fear NOW, but as far as the Grandmother, don't bother. Your Grandmother IS the Matriarch of the family, so actually you all are SUPPOSED to respect her - even if you do not agree. I made the fatal mistake of asking my Grandmother to please stop talking bad about my Father, and she got SO angry she refused to talk to me ever again, and she cut me out of her will.
No doubt you will get A LOT of flack if you decide to not leave your kids with them. Be prepared for the guilt trips, bad mouthing, put downs, and possibly being disowned. The bottom line is, if you cannot handle people ';spoiling'; your kids or disciplining them different than you would, then by all means stand your ground. Have you thought about what you are going to say when your child asks WHY they cannot spend time alone with the Grandparents?
Talk to them about this before you give birth. Let them know you want them to respect you and your husbands decisions on how to discipline your child. Even though you tell them this they will still get on to them when acting up, hopefully they won't cross any of your boundaries. Just ask them to make sure the punishment matches the crime.
When it comes to spoiling, there you're kind of screwed. That's a perk grandparents, aunts, and uncles get. The fill them with sugar and junk food then send them home to you to deal with. When my 13 yr old nephew was a baby my dad would constantly say, ';Grandpas don't do diapers. Grandpas just play with 'em.';
Approach your mother first and do so now, before you have the baby. I would suggest working it into conversation a few times before you approach it directly. Bring up how you're looking to go organic and to avoid what seems to happen so much lately with children - spoiled etc. Then, after a few gentle hints, approach her directly with your concerns about wanting to make sure your child is not spoiled. Also, try to ask her for advice in areas with which you DO agree...it will make her feel like you still appreciate her suggestions. Lastly, realize that almost all grandparents spoil their grandchildren...it's what grandparents do. Cut her a little slack in this regard, after all she raised you and you didn't turn out so bad :)
As for your grandmother - either have your mom talk to her or approacher her yourself (whichever you feel more comfortable with). Start by mentioning how you've read quite a bit of information from child psycologists who've researched the negative effects of spanking and child obesity. Drop hints that you want to raise your child in a very 21st century way which means organic foods, few sugary sweets, time outs etc.
If you think she will say this is redicilous, then simply be direct with her. After all, this will be your child and you have a right to make healthy choices for him/her just as your grandmother had the right to make those choices for her own chldren.
Best advice - stick to your guns on this one. It's difficult to undo later on.
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