He does NOT want to marry at all, while she DOES.
She has invited our family over for dinners and events and we have done likewise with her, however, I am saddened my brother does not want to marry her and is just using her, which he said recently.
So, he is involving both families, and emotions and whatnot.
When I see her again, I will be extremely sad knowing my brother's intentions, and have told him not to use her. Should I still go to her place? Because my heart is sad, and my mother is upset as well. I don't want to say anything to her, but yet, it causes strife. HELP!
NOTE: We are raised old fashioned to have relationships, and then marry when we become serious.Family Advice Is Needed.?
I take it they are living together. If you are sad for her, how will ostracizing her by refusing to go over to their place make her any happier? It is a sad situation, but it is largely out of your control. You can't make your brother do the right thing.
Pray for them both, and be as kind to her as you can. You could talk to your brother to find out his objections to marriage, and see if you can gradually give him some input that might influence his thinking in a positive way, but the choice is ultimately his.
Anyone who says (as they often do) that ';Marriage isn't necessary because it's just a piece of paper'; is kidding themselves. If it doesn't mean any more than that, why not get married to make his girlfriend happy? Because marriage does mean something, and he knows it, and resists it.
Some people are afraid of marriage because they haven't seen positive role models. You could see if you could recruit happily married friends to join your gatherings and extol the virtues of married life. But don't feel guilty if you don't want to go that far. This is not your problem or your responsibility, and ultimately not your choice.
Praying for them is the best thing you can do. Invite them to church as well. But don't lecture--let the Lord work.Family Advice Is Needed.?
Your brother does not want to marry her so taking advantage of her hospitality is not fair. You have to answer yourself if you may have friendship with her out of your brother intentions. I see you like her so you should also question her if she want to be your friend in spite of what your brother intentions are.
I understand that you want to be loyal to your brother so if she ask you about your brother intentions you may say that this is not your place to talk about it but you like her and want to be her friend no matter what. You see that your brother is using her so if you want be better just do not use her,
Maybe both your brother and his girlfriend need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Honesty is the best policy and it would be wise for your brother to talk with her. Maybe though he is shy and doesn't know the right words, you talk with him. Sounds like you love them both and you could soften the arena for them to have the talk.
I don't understand in way exactly your brother is using her. For sex? For cooking? And so on...does he have any feelings towards her? If not, and she is a nice person, then it seems better to tell her what a **** he is being. But, on the other hand, I advise you stay out of the relationship. If you break it up, you may be on sour terms with your brother - which you don't want. And you may not break it up and your brother and the gf will dislike you. It's a no win situation. Tell your brother to stop it but if he refuses, I think you shouldn't get involved.
Honestly, they have only been dating for one year, maybe he still needs time to get to know her. And they are GROWN!!!! Let them figure out their own problems, if they are 40 and still not married..... something is wrong with that. What your goes on in your brother's relationship has nothing to do with you. Some men just don't want to be tied down.
Believe or not , he knows her better than you. Just stay out of it!!! He will settle down when he is ready, you can't rush these kind of things. When people rush getting married, you end up in heartache and in a messy divorce!!!!
I don't think you should get involved. At the most I would tell my brother that I don't think what he is doing is right and that the least he should do is talk to her about it but I wouldn't get all up in his business. Family should come first even if you don't always agree with them.
I've seen first hand people made miserable and in one case brought to the brink of suicide by marrying through a sense of duty.
I say this kindly, keep out of your brothers affairs. If he doesn't want to marry, he knows his heart and his reasons.
I think you'll hurt her further if you just stop going over, or inviting her. You'll be shutting her out and she will think she did something wrong. Does she know your brohter does not want to marry her? If so, there isn't much you can do, its really not your business.
I think someone needs to counsel your brother and his girlfriend needs to get a clue.
But not visiting them because of the situation would be cruel.
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
She'll realize in time that he isn't interested in marriage.
yur brother really needs to figure out what he's doing. if u guys were raised old fashioned, he should know that what he is doing is wrong.
Family first.
tell your brother not to mess with other peoples emotions...that is wrong! he needs to be true!! it is not fair to the other person.
Here is some really good advice. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
Tell him to tell her....or you will stop coming aroung!!!
Wow what a difficult situation and I'm really kind of blown that a 40 year old man can't respect someone enough to tell them the whole truth and disclose his ill-intentions.
However, my advice to you is to not get involved. He is a grown man and needs to go through the motions on his own. You do not need to put yourself in the middle when you may live to regret doing so. Not only could he get upset about telling her his intentions, but he could also manipulate her to feel the same way about you once she forgives him, which she probably will. OR, he could change his mind later down the road and decide to marry her despite what he's told you.
The bottom line is that you and your mother can be friends with his girlfriend regardless of their relationship. If you truly like her, then befriend her outside of their connection. This way, no matter what the outcome, you can remain in constant contact if you like.
This is a hard situation to be in, espically knowing that your bother has no intentions of marrying her. I have two brothers and understand how much you care about him and want his relationships to be healthy.
I think the best thing to do is wait it out. As long as your brother knows how you and your mom feel about him using his GF then maybe he just needs time. They have been only going out for a year and sometimes (men especially) need time to let the idea of marriage really sink. Has he been married before?? Maybe he is sared of being hurt.
I also think it is important that your brother is honest with her about how he really feels...does she know that he does not want to get married?? I think if you are close with her it woldn't hurt to hint to her that your brother is not interested in getting married anytime soon...maybe even make a joke about it to get her and him thinking... You definitly shouldn't get in the middle of their issues espeically if you are close with her family. I say keep supporting your brother and her (afteralll he is still your brother) but just let it be and I am sure he will come around eventually. If he doesn't then it is on him to pick up the pieces.
It is hard dealing with family members and relationships...and even though you say you were raised to have relationships and then marry when you get serious.. maybe your brother just isn't ready.
Even though he says that he is using her I'm sure he cares for her...i mean 1 year is a long time. Just make sure you try to give both of them advice if they ask for it...let them know that you and your family are there for them.
I have to be honest , no matter how much and how strongly you feel about wanting to change your brothers ways...if he is not willing...all you can do is be there for him...no matter how much you disagree with his values and his ideas of being with his GF...
Not sure if this was helpful...i know from experience that you can't change your family members...i tried with my older brother and we haven't spoke in almost 4 years...Just let him know how you feel...and the rest is up to him
much luck to you and your family.
I had something like this happen to me several years ago when I was engaged to someone I had dated on %26amp; off for 4 years prior to our engagement...he was sleeping around on me, %26amp; his mother knew it...when I visited them, she %26amp; I went to lunch together one afternoon, %26amp; she came out %26amp; told me that her son %26amp; I needed to talk, because she felt there were some issues, %26amp; then told me that there are givers %26amp; takers in every relationship, %26amp; that I was giving far too much, which also meant he was taking advantage of me. Really long story shortened up a bit, we broke up, but I've always been thankful to his mother for not coming right out %26amp; telling me her son was a no-good 2-timing you-know-what, but that she felt I was being taken advantage of. I had to dig a little, but I did get to the truth.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are ways of getting to the heart of the matter without coming right out %26amp; carving a person's heart out of their chest.
its a hard one cos really its none of your business about his relationships but now that you know something like this, how can you not tell the poor girl.
your loyalties obviously lie with your brother, blood thicker than water blah blah blah so i wouldnt be telling her anything, act totally normal with her or she will think she has lost you also, just deal with it for a little longer then talk to your brother asap and tell him he is an *** and has to let this girl go and find real love cos thats what she deserves. tell him of he doesnt, you will tell her he said he is using her
good luck babe
xx
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